Right. So. Jeffrey's been arrested. Everyone remain calm.

I DON'T KNOW HIM. Never met him. Maybe a photo. Maybe two photos. But I DON'T KNOW HIM. I want that on the record.

Donald, you're literally in this group chat with him right now.

Fake group chat. I was added without my consent. This is a WITCH HUNT.

Guys, relax. I've been through this before. Florida was nothing. I got work release. I literally went to my office every day from jail. It's fine.

Jeffrey, this is the Southern District of New York. This isn't Palm Beach County. The SDNY doesn't do sweetheart deals. I've been briefed by my legal team.

Bill's right. The SDNY is where cases go to become Netflix documentaries. This is bad, Jeffrey. Real bad.

I'm sorry, what's happened? I've been at a charity function. Is Jeffrey going to be late for dinner next week?

Andrew, Jeffrey has been arrested by the FBI. There will be no dinner next week.

Arrested? Good heavens. For what? Is it a tax matter? Mummy's people handle all my taxes so I'm not sure how these things work.

It's not a tax matter, Andrew. Use your brain. Although from your BBC interview I'm not sure you have one. TERRIBLE interview by the way. Just terrible.

That interview hasn't happened yet, Donald. It's July 2019.

Time is fake news. ANYWAY. The important thing is that nobody connects ME to any of this. I banned him from Mar-a-Lago. Banned! Very early. Before it was cool to ban him.

Donald, you didn't ban me. We had a business dispute over a real estate deal. That's very different.

BANNED. I banned you. Everybody knows I banned you. It was a TREMENDOUS ban. One of the best bans in the history of Mar-a-Lago.

Can we please focus? I need to know what documents they seized. Did they find any communications? Calendars? Meeting notes? I need to assess my exposure from a risk management perspective.

They raided the Manhattan townhouse. They'll have found everything in the safe. CDs, files, photos. Everything.

Photos? What kind of photos? Ghislaine, what PHOTOS?

Oh you know. Photos of friends. Social gatherings. Very normal photos of very normal social events.

I need my lawyers. I need all my lawyers. I need lawyers I haven't even hired yet.

Everyone needs to calm down. I have insurance. I have information on everyone. That's my insurance. Nobody goes down unless everyone goes down.

Did you just threaten us? In a GROUP CHAT? Is this conversation encrypted? Please tell me this conversation is encrypted.

Jeffrey, darling, perhaps don't mention the 'insurance' in writing. Or ever. To anyone.

I'm screenshotting this entire conversation. For my records. And maybe for my lawyer. And maybe for a tweet. We'll see.

I've just spoken to Mummy's equerry and he says I should deny everything and stay away from journalists. So my plan is to do an unscripted BBC interview.

Andrew, NO.

Andrew, NO.

Andrew, that is statistically the worst possible decision.

Andrew YES. Do it. GREAT idea. Tremendous.

Look, everyone just relax. Nothing's going to happen to me in federal custody. I'm Jeffrey Epstein. I know everyone. I have the best lawyers. What's the worst that could happen?