Has anyone checked Twitter in the last five minutes?

It's called X now, Ghislaine.

I don't care if it's called the Queen's bloody knickers. The documents are out. ALL of them.

FAKE NEWS. Total WITCH HUNT. I barely knew the guy. Have a picture? Could be photoshopped. AI is very advanced now, very advanced.

Oh sweet Jesus. Hillary just texted me a link. She added a knife emoji. Just one knife emoji. Nothing else.

I'm sorry, what files? I've been at Pizza Express all morning and only just checked my phone.

My communications team is drafting a statement. Current draft: "Mr. Gates's interactions were solely focused on philanthropic endeavors." Does that sound believable?

Bill, nobody believes your philanthropy thing. NOBODY. Even your ex-wife didn't buy it and she bought EVERYTHING else.

Could everyone please stop panicking and start shredding? In an orderly fashion? There's a protocol for this.

I told you all this would happen. I said, "keep the circle small." But no, everyone wanted to bring their friends to the island.

I DID NOT go to any island. The flight logs are misleading. My pilot got lost. Multiple times. Over the Caribbean.

I've just read one of the documents and I want everyone to know I categorically deny everything, including the things that are true.

My name better NOT be in those files. And if it is, I was UNDERCOVER. Doing my own investigation. Very brave of me actually. Should get a medal.

I'm looking at the trending topics. "Epstein Files" is #1 globally. "Bill Gates Philanthropy" is #4. That's... not ideal positioning.

My lawyer says the key is to look "cooperatively remorseful but legally ambiguous." I'm practising my face now.

You know what's funny? I specifically told everyone "don't sign the guest book at the island" and at least three of you signed the guest book.

I was raised to always sign the guest book. It's called MANNERS, Jeffrey.

Andrew, you signed it "HRH Prince Andrew, Duke of York" with your FULL TITLE?

Of course. One doesn't abbreviate royalty.

I signed it "Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States (Future)." But that's because I'm a MAN OF DESTINY, not because I was there.

I'm running a simulation on my laptop of all possible PR outcomes. The best-case scenario is still pretty bad. The worst case involves congressional hearings and a Netflix documentary.

Netflix has already called my agent. They're offering executive producer credit if I cooperate.

DO NOT take a Netflix deal, Ghislaine. I'm begging you. Hillary will end me. She has a plan for this and it involves me living in the guest house permanently.

Everyone calm down. Remember: deny, deflect, and if all else fails, blame it on a vast conspiracy against you. Works every time.

That IS my strategy! I've been doing that for YEARS. Nobody does deny and deflect better than me. I'm the BEST at it. Ask anyone.

Mummy just called. She said, and I quote, "You're on your own with this one, Andrew." Then she hung up. She's never hung up on me before.

My PR team just quit. All of them. At once. They sent a group resignation via Slack.

Well, I think the important thing is that we all stick together and maintain a united front of plausible deniability.

Agreed. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go explain to Hillary why my name appears 73 times in a federal court document.

73 times! That's a lot, Bill. Very suspicious. Not like me. I'm mentioned very few times. Practically invisible. The most innocent person in history, many people are saying.