G, we need to update the book. Some of these numbers are disconnected. Weird.

How strange. It's almost as if people don't want to be associated with us anymore. Can't imagine why.

I'm sure it's a network issue. Anyway, I've got 14 numbers for Trump alone. Home, office, Mar-a-Lago, golf cart, spray tan booth...

The spray tan booth has a landline?

Donald insists on being reachable at all times. You know how he is. Very loyal friend. Tremendous friend, he'd say.

Right. Well, I've alphabetised the European section. Royals, oligarchs, fashion designers. The usual.

How many pages is Andrew's section?

Three. He gave us his Buckingham Palace number, his Sandringham number, his Pizza Express loyalty card number, and something he called his "mummy hotline."

Classic Andrew. What about Gates? He keeps emailing asking to be in the book. Says it's for "networking purposes."

He sent a 40-page proposal on why inclusion would create "synergies." With a pie chart.

I love that man. No social skills whatsoever but he writes a beautiful check.

Should we perhaps discuss the elephant in the room? This book is essentially a prosecutors' Christmas wish list.

Relax. Nobody's ever going to see it. I keep it in a very safe place.

Where?

My former butler has it.

Your FORMER butler? Jeffrey, you absolute walnut. The man you FIRED has our contact list?

He seemed trustworthy. Great references. Used to work for the Saudi royal family.

I want it on record that I advised against this. Repeatedly. In writing. Which I've since shredded.

You worry too much. Now help me with the new additions. I met a very interesting senator at a fundraiser last week. Very interested in the island.

Of course he is. They always are. What category? "Politicians - Compromised" or "Politicians - Easily Compromised"?

I prefer the term "friends of philanthropy." Sounds better in court.

In COURT? Why are you already thinking about court?

Just planning ahead. My lawyer says I should always be prepared. He's in the book too, by the way. Page 47.

Is there anyone NOT in this book?

Poor people.

Well obviously.

Oh, Clinton keeps calling asking if we can add a "Bill Only - DO NOT TELL HILLARY" section. I said we'd consider it.

That man is terrified of his wife. Which, to be fair, is the most rational thing about him.

Alright, I think we're at about 1,500 names. Should we maybe... not have 1,500 names?

A bit late for minimalism, Jeffrey. A bit bloody late.