Happy New Year everyone! Let's go around and share our resolutions. I love this. Brings us all together.

Jeffrey, it's a group chat, not a campfire. But fine. I'll start. My resolution is to expand my social network in a more... discreet direction.

Love that. Discretion is underrated. Mine is to spend more time on my island. Really develop the property. Maybe add a yoga studio.

A yoga studio. On the island. Sure, Jeffrey. That's what it needs. More buildings.

My resolution is to be even MORE successful than I already am, which is almost impossible because I am currently the MOST successful person alive. But I'll try. For the fans.

My resolution is to focus on eradicating malaria. And also to improve my public image. Mostly the second one if I'm being honest.

My resolution is to visit more Pizza Expresses around the country. I've only been to the Woking one. There's a whole world of Pizza Express out there.

Andrew, that is genuinely the saddest resolution I've ever heard, and I once spent New Year's Eve in a federal detention centre.

Well, my resolution is to spend more quality time with Hillary. Rebuild the trust. Show her I'm a changed man.

HAHAHAHA. Good one, Bill. "Rebuild the trust." You've been saying that since 1998. That's not a resolution, that's a LIFE SENTENCE.

At least my wife stayed, Donald.

Which one of mine? I've had THREE. All beautiful. The best wives. Tremendous women. I collect them like real estate.

Okay, let's keep it positive. Bill G, tell us more about the malaria thing.

Well, I've developed a 200-slide deck on mosquito net distribution optimization. Would anyone like to see it?

I would rather go back to federal detention.

I have a secondary resolution. I'd like to learn how to sweat again. My doctor says it might be possible with experimental treatment.

Andrew, for the love of God, stop talking about the sweating thing. No one asked. No one has EVER asked.

It's a legitimate medical condition! Acquired in the Falklands!

I'll share another resolution. I'm going to build the BIGGEST, most BEAUTIFUL library. Trump Library. Gold plated. Every book will be written by me.

Donald, you've written, at most, one and a half books.

Art of the Deal is worth a THOUSAND books. Ask any businessman. It's the Bible of business. Some people say it's better than the actual Bible. I wouldn't say that, but some people do.

My secondary resolution is to be a better friend to all of you. Fly you out more often. Open invitation to the island.

Jeffrey, I appreciate the offer, but if I get on one more plane of yours, Hillary will legitimately have me assassinated.

She does have the resources for it.

That's... not funny, Ghislaine.

Who said I was joking?

Final resolution: I'd like to get back into the royal inner circle. Mummy has been rather cold since the interview. She moved my chair at Christmas dinner to the children's table.

The children's table? Andrew, that's... actually that might be the most fitting punishment possible.

FINAL resolution from me. I resolve to NEVER be in a group chat with any of you if this ever gets subpoenaed. This conversation NEVER HAPPENED. I don't know any of you. Happy New Year!

And on that heartwarming note... cheers everyone. Same time next year. If we're all still free.