Right chaps, I've been thinking. We should all synchronise our stories. Just in case.

Well now, I appreciate the initiative Andrew. I'll go first. I was doing charitable work in Africa. The whole time. All of it.

That's actually a strong framework. Philanthropy is very hard to disprove. I've been workshopping something similar with my communications team.

Splendid. Well, I've settled on mine. On the night in question, I was at a Pizza Express in Woking.

I'm sorry, you were WHERE?

Pizza Express. In Woking. It's in Surrey. Lovely place. They do a rather good American Hot.

Andrew, with all due respect, that's... not optimized. You could say literally anything. A state dinner. A polo match. The House of Lords.

But I genuinely love Pizza Express. Mummy took us there once in 1997. Changed my life.

Andrew, buddy, listen to me. I have been lying professionally for forty years. Pizza Express in Woking is not an alibi. It is a cry for help.

I also have a secondary alibi. I physically cannot sweat. Medical condition. So even if someone says I was sweating nervously, it's impossible.

Wait. Your defense is that you're biologically incapable of perspiration?

Precisely! Acquired in the Falklands. Overdose of adrenaline. Shut the whole system down.

Son, I once looked the American people in the eye and said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" and THAT was a better story than yours.

I ran the numbers. The probability of someone believing the Pizza Express + no sweating combination is approximately 0.003%.

Well I'm going on the BBC to say it, so there.

THE BBC?? Andrew, no. You hire a lawyer and you shut your mouth. That's Alibi 101.

I actually have a PowerPoint on crisis communication if you'd like me to share it. Slide 1 is literally "Do Not Go On Television."

Emily Maitlis seems very nice. I'm sure she'll be reasonable.

Bill, you seeing this? This man is about to go on live television and say he can't sweat.

I think my alibi is solid though. I met with Jeffrey to discuss global health initiatives. Repeatedly. Over many years. At his home. After his conviction. For philanthropy.

Bill, that's just a list of red flags with "philanthropy" stapled to the end.

Melinda seems to think so too.

I've also prepared a line about how staying at Jeffrey's mansion was "convenient" because I'm too honourable. Being royal, one simply doesn't do hotels.

"Too honourable to do hotels." Andrew, I say this with love. You are going to get destroyed.

Should we maybe get a shared lawyer? I know a firm that specializes in high-profile... situations.

No need. Mummy's people are handling it. She says it'll all blow over by Christmas.

Hillary says the same thing about my problems and she is NEVER right about that.

Quick sidebar - should we be having this conversation in a group chat?

Oh Lord. He's right. Delete everything.

How does one delete a chat? Is it like deleting a Pizza Express receipt? Because I've never been able to do that either.